So I've been part of a certain event in school and I must firstly say that I absolutely love the cause and the purpose of this event. It's the kind of thing that just makes you think and made me remove myself from this hectic world and think about the bigger picture and purpose of my life and how I want to live it, the decisions I have made and my reasons for those decisions and wow this sentence is way too long with waaaay too many 'and's..

So yea, the gist of it is that, working on this project gave me time to think about life and you know deep stuff like that. It was almost like a refresher course, on life. Strange but yes. I learnt or got reminded of many things in life that are important to me.

On the other hand, I have never felt more awkward or more detached from a group of people I am working with. And for this I blame myself and the unfortunate circumstances that I faced.

While I loved the purpose, I feel so so uneasy and completely unsatisfied with what I did for the event and how I contributed, or the lack of it. Yes this is basically me whining about my lack of presence in the team, but I have honestly never felt more detached.

I always felt like there was a certain barrier. Because of 2 reasons; 1 because I did not attend meetings because of horrible timetable clashes and silly med calendars, thus not knowing any one of them. 2 because I felt they felt I felt superior to them or whatever. Maybe it was the way I carried myself or they way I spoke or the way I honestly tried to contribute to the event. Honestly. I have never had to try so hard to contribute and I don't know why. Or maybe that's the problem, I tried too hard? I don't know. This is bizarre, to say the least. I have never been the kind of person that isn't there. I'm always there I'm always damn onz about anything I do.

But I get the feeling that given that there was a barrier present, I did not even attempt to break it myself. Which is horrible of me. In retrospect I really should have tried to connect with these people I guess. But I get the feeling they already judge me because of where I come from and not because of me. (Speaking of which, this could bring me to a whole new topic but nevermind for now..) So I guess I never really bothered to try. Which is entirely 100% my bad.

I don't know this bothers me to bits. I realised that even as I tried to be present, I was blatantly ignored. Either that or they were so afraid of me they didn't dare address me. Either way that sucks. Come on I am smaller than half the people in the world (the other half being babies) am I really that scary? And I guess given what I think they think of me, my terasa mode UP a million times. Sometimes in emails I find comments indirectly insinuating my lack of presence in the team. I am sure this is probably 80% a figment of my imagination but seriously. Seriously. Bold and Capslock? Seriously that was so uncalled for.

It doesn't help when I actually am trying to contribute, you know? My initial lack of presence was totally unintentional and completely regretted. I am honestly torn with remorse for my acute unsatisfactory involvement, but I swear I tried eventually and I guess this is making me so uneasy now, because effectively I failed.

At this juncture I've probably lost you in my rant but nevermind.

A friend told me that maybe this avenue is just not for me, that I'm better with other groups. But I highly doubt that. It's not the people, or the fact that we are so different, or the fact that they were already friends. I've been part of all of those and still made it work. A part of it feels like I almost didn't care about it from the get-go. Which is very very un-Amelina, because why would I get involved in something I didn't care about. Like I said from the start I am immensely passionate about the issue at hand. Never have I felt this confused about anything I've done. And so this probably snowballed to this unsalvageable predicament I have landed myself into. And as I wallow in all this self doubt and self pity, a part of me really wishes I could do it again, from the top. Just so I can convince myself that I haven't lost it and I can do things.

I suspect this rant makes no sense to the regular reader, but that's alright I guess. The takeaway message is probably, Gee This Girl Has Issues.

Despite everything I said above, honestly I have no regrets deciding to be involved. I just wished it turned out a little prettier for me.